Every day before I go out. I put on my face. I make myself up but first I clean myself down. I wash my face in warm water and then shock it with cold. I dry myself off and brush my teeth. I brush my hair, sometimes I’ll turn on the straightener. Then I moisturize and apply foundation under my eyes spreading over my cheeks, on my nose and then my chin, last is my forehead underneath my bangs. Then I grab a brush and my blush and fake smile at myself in the mirror. I try not to look at my smile and just my cheeks as I apply blush to them stroking upward parallel to my bone. This is when I see my ears. Full of the deep blue gages, they are spiral zeros and next to them the earrings I have been wearing, rarely removing them, for the past year and a half. That seems to be a measure of time I use often lately to describe the craziness that has occurred. The distorted reality I have made for myself in that time is not possible to review in an instant. The things I have learned and forgotten. The things I now remember and have been made aware of possibly once again, possibly for the first time. I feel like a baby. A child who just was told Santa Clause is not real and begins to question what other lies there parents had told them. I am deep in questioning what I have told myself and what others have told me about me. I forgot who I wanted to be. I forgot who I wanted to be. I forgot who I wanted to be. Who where my role models? Who am I looking up 2? What the behavior I find attractive and what is the behavior I care to use. I am who I want to be. I am who I make myself to be. I have that power. I'm using it for good from now on. I just had to figure out what good was.
Rhia told me to focus on my breath, breath in "new beginnings" and then out "letting go".
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